It’s been a few weeks since I have posted here. I am usually busy or going through something whenever I disappear for a while. Of late I have been in a dilemma in making certain personal decisions and whenever that happens, I lose focus of non-core or auxiliary tasks like blogging. Anyway, I have gone through the decision-making phase thanks to talking to someone and having a perspective of what I want and where I want to be in the future. In these recent weeks, I have observed things happening in people’s relationships around me that I thought I should write about. The thing about relationships is that they aren’t a bed of roses and they come with the usual pains and struggles. This post is about love and sacrifices, secrets and lies, monogamy and infidelity and trust and rumours in relationships. Here’s my opinion on some of these.
Love and sacrifices. Love is the building block of any relationship. Without this then the relationship does not exist. Partners learn to love each other as they continue to know each other. It is a process. One falls in love with the other person the way they are and accepts that they can’t be changed. Perfect relationships are built on tolerance and learning to love your partner as he is. We tell our partners everyday ‘I love you’. Do we truly mean it, or do we say it to make them happy or do we say it out of habit? People will say those words for different reasons. I have come to appreciate how heavy those words are and I have come to say them truthfully to express what I really feel. It makes someone happy when they are told that but it should be more than making someone happy!
Sacrifices have to be made if any relationship is to succeed. Personal, family, career, financial sacrifices etc have to be made. There are no two ways about it. One partner may not know how many sacrifices the other makes because sometimes it’s best not to tell them because it may appear as if one is doing the other a favour by making those sacrifices. I can’t even think of the sacrifices I have made before and still make. I also know when someone makes a sacrifice for me and I always appreciate it and make it known that I am very grateful for that. I was recently in a position where I had to make a decision and I wasn’t sure about how to go about it. I wanted to make every one happy but I knew at the end some people would be unhappy. I didn’t want to go against my family wishes and didn’t want to make my boyfriend unhappy. But after a lot of reflection and talking about it, I knew what do and reaffirmed by desire to make my boyfriend happy and balance other people’s expectations. The question that begs is whether some of these sacrifices are worth making? Are the people you are making the sacrifices for worth those sacrifices?
Secrets and lies . As a lawyer, secrets and keeping people’s information confidential hasn’t been a challenge. It’s part of the trade. So a couple of weeks ago, a friend asked me to do him a favour which involved doing something for him and he requested me not to tell his partner. My friend has a partner and they have been together for many years. The favour involved doing something for my friend’s secret lover. My friend’s partner doesn’t know that he has another man on the side but I wouldn’t call it cheating because their ‘affair’ is not sexual or intimate. Anyway, that is besides the point. The point is that most of the relationships I have observed around me have elements of secrets in them. From a partner who knows his partner is cheating but doesn’t confront him and loves him nonetheless for the fear of losing the person he loves. Or a partner who keeps certain aspects of his life private and the other doesn’t know. At times I ask myself whether I have any secrets that I am keeping from my boyfriend. I have at all times been honest with myself first, because I believe it begins with oneself, and then told my partner everything that I think they should know about me. I think one should ask oneself the question, “what secrets is my partner keeping from me and should I know or am I better off not knowing?” the answer to which only one can decide.
Monogamy and infidelity. A friend of mine once told me that gay people are doomed or cursed because they can’t have steady monogamous relationships. Of course infidelity issues are in all relationships, straight or queer but there is notion that gay people are more prone to cheat. I am a strong believer of monogamy and believe that it is possible to achieve if both partners are wholeheartedly committed to making it work. Unfortunately the human nature is curious and desirous of adventure and trying out ‘new’ things. At times you fail to understand why a person who has a partner who loves them and is good-looking will go out and cheat with someone who is not as near good as his partner. It baffles me. Respect is also thrown out of the window when cheating happens as people do most crazy things like cheating with their partner’s friend (happened to me with Diana , as I mentioned in my post here) or cheating with their partners namesake or cheating in their partner’s kitchen while the partner is asleep! I always wonder why cheat? If one isn’t happy in a relationship, why not talk about it with their partner and walk out if need be. These are things that are hard to understand.
Trust and rumours. Anybody who has been in a successful relationship will tell you that trust is a necessity if any relationship is to prosper. Insecurity is the biggest killer of relationships. I have seen that with my friends and I don’t blame them for that. At times you want to keep tabs on what your partner is up to and it is tempting to cross the line and overcrowd your partners space. I once was in such a place and learned the hard way that at times it is important to let your partners be. Let them hang out with their friends and such things. Once I was dating someone, and a few weeks into it he said he didn’t like some of my friends and didn’t have a justifiable reason for that. I didn’t take it well. If you are not going to like my friends, tell me why and it should be a sensible reason. People in long distance relationships are in a much more difficult position and I admire those who have gone through such relationships. It is hard to know what your partner is up to when you are on the other side of the globe. You don’t know whether he went to work when he told he went to work or if he went for that meeting he told you he was attending or if he spend the day indoors like he said he did. Vinny and Luke talk about it in this on their Youtube channel here, which is inspiring.
Tied down to trust is rumours, another big killer of relationships. There will always be rumours about one partner or the other in any relationship. These rumours have a way of reaching the other partner in the relationship. The thing about rumours is that they could be true or not. Once I found myself in a situation I heard rumours that my now ex-boyfriend was cheating and I refused to believe them because I believe that rumours are started by haters, spread by fools and accepted by idiots. I didn’t want to be an idiot. Unfortunately for me, those rumours turned out to be true and you can guess that was the end of the relationship. That is what under the bridge now. I have since moved on. I do wonder though how I would react if I heard rumours about my boyfriend or how he would react if he heard such kind of rumours about me.
These are just some of the things I have been observing of late and hope that I never go through them. I have had my fair share of them and I know how they can wreck a relationship. It just pains me when I see people and my friends do these things and I can’t do anything about it. And don’t think I am perfect, taking the moral high ground here judging people. I am not perfect and I have learned to make myself a better man every single day of my life. It’s just that people in relationships don’t see these things that end up breaking relationships.
PS. Forgive me for the long post. I needed to pour this out. 🙂